the stand
It’s really cold outside, and so appropriate because I am cold in my heart. I feel distant, remorseful, lazy, in-opportunistic, various other negative feelings…it’s all relative to the point where, well, I could be better. I could be better than this. I could be strong instead of sniveling around on the ground, or growling at all the people who love me. I could be strong. I could try but it’s much too hard for me to even attempt. I could attempt but it seems so hard to get out of bed in the mornings anyway. Flailing around in my covers, sheets and forgotten feelings. I know its true but theres nothing I can do to stop the flood, I already see trickledowns. Too much has passed and it’s not enough to stand up anymore, so why start now? Truthfully. If I start doing things right, right now, would it make any more of a difference? No, it wouldn’t. So why even stand if we all fall down and die eventually? Are we all judged for our standings and beliefs, or does it matter at all if we stood at all, but that we prayed every single night? I’m neither of these people and still i find it so, so hard to not just fit in with everyone who hopes for a better afterlife… Like I deserve it. Like I deserve any slice of heaven in the world. I’ve done nothing for it and I’ll probably keep on doing nothing, knowing me. All it is is nothing, and it’s all it ever was
jt
