moving!

i have moved to http://bittertruthbitterfruit.blogspot.com/

i don’t like wordpress very much. =]

the stand

It’s really cold outside, and so appropriate because I am cold in my heart. I feel distant, remorseful, lazy, in-opportunistic, various other negative feelings…it’s all relative to the point where, well, I could be better. I could be better than this. I could be strong instead of sniveling around on the ground, or growling at all the people who love me. I could be strong. I could try but it’s much too hard for me to even attempt. I could attempt but it seems so hard to get out of bed in the mornings anyway. Flailing around in my covers, sheets and forgotten feelings. I know its true but theres nothing I can do to stop the flood, I already see trickledowns. Too much has passed and it’s not enough to stand up anymore, so why start now? Truthfully. If I start doing things right, right now, would it make any more of a difference? No, it wouldn’t. So why even stand if we all fall down and die eventually? Are we all judged for our standings and beliefs, or does it matter at all if we stood at all, but that we prayed every single night? I’m neither of these people and still i find it so, so hard to not just fit in with everyone who hopes for a better afterlife… Like I deserve it. Like I deserve any slice of heaven in the world. I’ve done nothing for it and I’ll probably keep on doing nothing, knowing me. All it is is nothing, and it’s all it ever was

jt

10-20-08

These are turbulent times, and many people are at their wit’s end. Including myself. Sometimes I’m planning thirty years into the future. Sometimes fifty. I’m so worried about the future. Some things come easy, other things – most things – don’t come so easy and require a great deal of strength. Problem: I’m running out of strength. I’ve used every bit of it these last few years. I’m told to keep praying, to pull through and find this hidden strength. Every time I get on my knees, I’m digging my hollow trunk out to find that last ounce of faith that’s apparently somewhere deep within me. I can’t find it. People see it. Conundrum…

My head aches. I’m up too late. I should be doing other things. Blogging seems much more important right now. So, let it be.

=]jt

10-18-08

Hello my love

Has it really been that long?

With me stirring coffee looking at my watch

The hands on this quartz might as well be your legs and heels

touching down the numbers of my soul counting and counting

counting down to liftoff, the sea of your face,

has it really been that long?

too long looking at photographs,

photos of memories past

memories lost and found again, ones that

share your sweet face,

she’s my baby.

has it really been that long?

she said yes, and i said how come?

she said i always come crawling back

when the day is done

i close my mouth,

wipe off the coffee

and just turn away

sometimes things happen that way,

10-16-08

I see you walk on your front porch again

me looking from the back, through the doors halls to you

and it makes me grin that sunlight on your shin

drinking nectar and fading sin

we’re shaking in the rain, blowing up like balloons

drifting but not towards you;

damn i cant wait to feel your hair.

i wish, i could, just drape around your dreams,

i would, be there, to shadow all the nasty things

but i carve, a hole, in this heart filled with you

and if only i could have you

i wouldn’t hate my heart so much

10-9-08

Boom, boom, you are my flood.

You are my water coming down
seeking into my floors and seeping into my eyes
brown like dust, falling like tears in hydrogenous form
cute curtseys you do with your eyelids
famously fucked even though you’ve never had kids
developed from previous knees
even though he sold his

you are the nothing

you are the better

take it one step further, letter to the editor.

get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out get me out.

the end

10/08/08

New stuff soon.

I promise

one love, JT

8/01/08

I walk the cities and i see nothing but harlots

I drown in the sea and i feel nothing but air…
How the hell am I supposed to love when you don’t even care?

I sell all my papers and get nothing but flak

I count all my memories, they don’t mean jack
How in the hell am I supposed to live, knowing that?

Sweet Jesus do come to me, come down and count my blessings for me,

I’m too blind to see my own fingers, taste the fruit upon them,
May God lead blind old me.

Take me away, away,
To somewhere where I am free from dismay

And wallow in self pity, doing my best self-decay

In you I trust, jt

7/25/08

Flowing sleep rhythm broken.

Thinking too much…I want to hold her hand…

I need to quit this. I need to quit being so alone. …but where can I go?

Bleeding time, it seems.

Working on a new poem it’ll be up soon.
sorry for lack of updates

jt

6/26/08

Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there is as lonely as I am
…
But then again I wish no such curse on anyone

However, I’m okay, these are the happiest days of our lives,
being so miserable.

I’m okay with that. Just learning to bleed like everyone else.

jt